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tv   9 News Now at 11pm  CBS  April 5, 2011 2:05am-2:35am EDT

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you need to get your own damn house. i never wanted to be that kind of parent. but i have a pretty good relationship. craig: do you strip down to your underwear when you come from work? >> yes. now they call it molestation. craig: you have a tattoo there. >> yes. craig: is that recent? >> no. you never look at my neck. craig: i remember the earrings and the love bite. >> love bite -- they used to call me gorvechave. -- gorbechev. craig: what part of l.a. did you go to school? >> i go visit my parents. i fly over --
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craig: are you -- do you fly over there on the way back to virginia beach? >> yeah, on the way back from virginia beach. i was in -- i was actually in arizona. you know, arizona is pretty hairy. they passed that law where you have to prove that you're a citizen. craig: really? i don't know if i could that. >> what are you going to show them? three maxed out cards and your foreclosure. craig: this audience here is anti-irish. [laughter] craig: they hate the leprechaun. how could you hate the leprechauns? they're adorable. >> i saw him back there. he's a good guy. must be hell when you can't ride nothing at six flags. that must be horrible. craig: there's no need for
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that. >> when you have your whole picture in your driver's license that's got to be hell. craig: so where's virginia beach, i've never been there? >> look at him in the back. craig: look! look! look! look what you did! no, get out! now you made him all mad! there goes my luck for the rest of the day! >> i was born in portsmouth, virginia. so that will be interesting to go back home. one person. i'm in the witness protection program. craig: you could be a guest and they'll never find you. >> the president said he was going to run for re-election. craig: are you an obama supporter? >> i like obama but i don't like politicians.
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craig: are you saying they're liars? >> yes. he's the only black dude i know who's working. it's funny because you know that libya thing. isn't it funny how we never have money for books, but we have money for bombs. have you seen libya? like a million dollar bomb will blow up a $3 tent. we can take over libya with stick. this is mine! [laughter] craig: this is me distancing myself. cbs in no way condones the views of d.l. hughley. cbs cares. >> and then i was disappointed at the election last election results when proposition 19, that failed. craig: do you enjoy marijuana? >> immensely.
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only because i've got glaucoma. you can't count on people who smoke weed to remember to vote. it's horrible because when i can't get weed i've got to spend the week at grandma mas. craig: is it difficult -- grand mo mass. craig: is it difficult to get marijuana? i'm guessing some of the people on this show smoke marijuana. >> if you dress like a horse, you probably smoke marijuana. craig: you're going to be holding your breath anyway. you might as well. >> i told you not to stop so fast again. craig: so you're doing the
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standup? >> i am. we were doing the world comedy tour. i was in tall hasy. we did dayton -- tall la has see. we did dayton. buffalo -- craig: you know before the white man came all this whole area was covered in casinos. >> true. i was actually doing a gig in albuquerque. [laughter] >> i was doing a gig in albuquerque, new jersey and i went to an indian casino. you couldn't drink and gamble. craig: you couldn't do both? >> last time we drank and gambled, we lost new york. craig: if you want win them
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over, say something about the irish. apart from the lesbians, they're frine. they seem more tolerant than everybody else. >> you do a lot of things for the troops. i've done reimstein. craig: i do. >> the women love black dudes in germany. all the kids look like jason kidd. they don't get that. but i was actually in england and i was playing a gig there and i went to popeyes. craig: they have a popeyes? >> yes. the manager came. he said, listen, i couldn't get tickets for the show but i knew you would come. craig: that's messed up. you have to say something. >> if i didn't have a two-spees and a biscuit at that very moment because normally i will
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not eat chicken in front of white people because i get the feeling, ooh, they love it, just like the book says! craig: there's no book! >> i was so insulted. i was like, ohman. craig: would you like a mouth organ or an awkward pause. >> a mouth organ? what's the other one? craig: you want a mouth organ. mouth organ's pretty easy. we have this little thing here and you put it in your mouth and you suck or blow depending on the knock you want to achieve. [laughter] >> look at stevie wonder. i hope he does it right. craig: no, no, no, you've got to take it out of the box. it's a fresh one. it's brand-new. ♪
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craig: unwrap. >> look at the little person back there. even i knew that -- what-sa come and-a go! craig: what do you want to play? >> every time i hear this i want to pick cotton so bad. craig: excellent. d.l. hughley, everybody! >> surely after i was discharged my wife and i were vacationing in florida and we were involved in a shark attack. >> that's how you lost -- >> oh, no, the shark ate my wife. in an irresistible sort of way the all-new ford focus with up to 40 miles per gallon highway oh. see that? great job. ok, now let's get ready for the ball... here it comes... here you go.
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♪ you will understand ♪ when i opened my eyes... ♪ you were gone ♪ i judge you, bestowal you, behead you ♪ ♪ zat zat zat! ♪ when i opened my eyes... ♪ we were together again [ applause ] merci. [ applause ] that the new focus can it virtually park till you actually see it... park itself. the all-new ford focus with class-exclusive active park assist. [cheers and applause] craig: i'm -- i'm a bit worried because this audience is very
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anti-irish. and -- and my next guest has an irish last name and i'm concerned they'll turn on her with their racist hatred. [laughter] but she's a beautiful actress and she's in a new film called "source code." that's a big movie. it did well in the weekend, didn't it? i hope so because it's the best film i've ever seen. [laughter] but it's in theaters now. take a look at this. >> what would you do if you knew you had less than eight minutes to live? >> i don't know. i'd make those seconds count. >> i would call my dad. i would hear his voice and i would tell him i was sorry. tell him everything's going to be ok. >> everything's going to be ok. craig: well, i've got to see it
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because it looks hilarious! [laughter] i mean -- please welcome the lovely and partially irish michelle monaghan, everybody. [cheers and applause] craig: michelle. you look fantastic. i was just saying you look great. you're doing something new and it's working. you've got the leg slash thing and the two buttons which draws the eyes. >> these buttons are bigger than these buttons. craig: hey! [laughter] not true. >> so you just keep looking here, right? craig: did you find that people's eyes are drawn to your buttons? >> occasionally. craig: your hair is different. >> i've cut bangs. craig: you went for bangs. it was a daring choice.
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>> it's a little daring. a little mysterious. craig: it says to me, i'm irish but i don't have potatoes. are you irish? >> i am. not 100% irish but maybe your audience might cut my some slack. craig: what's the other part? >> german. craig: oh. that's lovely. irish and german. so you enjoy alcohol but in an organized fashion. there you are. >> i wouldn't necessarily say that craig: my alcohol and my drug. >> you throw a couple of bratwurst in there and you're good to go. craig: i wish i had a nickel for every time i heard that. i'm going to talk to you about "the source code" in a minute because it looks great. i was watching cable -- because i've got cable. that's why i never watch this
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show. i was watching on cable and there was an old movie that was in scotland. >> yes. >> maid of honor. craig: and you were lovely in it. and it was set in scotland and i'm from there. and that boat that was in there, i used to work on that boat. >> are you serious? craig: i did! in the summer, there was a little car ferry. i used to work on it. >> are you kidding me? craig: my uncle alexander used to work on it. >> that's one of the most picturesque places i've been to. craig: i can't remember, i was drunk. >> i actually kind of -- i really enjoyed the scotch there. i kind of got into it.
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i definitely partook in it. craig: do you have an alcohol problem? >> no. craig: denial of it is a symptom of having it. >> it's true. it's true. but the other problem is we were there during summer and the days went on -- craig: very long. >> yeah. and we didn't actually sleep. we slept for two or three hours a night. craig: did you use a lot of cocaine? >> no. my god. crip so you the drug and alcohol problem. how are the kids? >> it's a tricky time to be there during the summer. craig: the summer is when you want to be there because the winter -- >> that can be veriess de pressing. craig: "the source code" looks good. >> it was actually set in chicago. i don't know if you've been there. craig: yes. it's great. it's deep dish pizza.
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>> have you ever been to wiener circle? craig: i've been in more than one. wiener circle in chicago? >> yeah, wiener circle in chicago. it's a hot dog joint. it's a really, really famous hot dog joint. craig: you don't look like you eat a hot dog. >> it's a good, old, chicago hot dog. craig: mayo? i'm still partially european. i would never put mayo in a hot dog for political reasons. did you film in chicago? >> yes. just a little bit. we were mostly shooting in montreal. it's great. craig: that's a fantastic city. but the french that they speak there is very odd. >> oh, my god -- yeah, it's really -- craig: it sounds a little bit like john mccain actually. do you know what i mean. take a look at this.
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don't bother. don't bother. it doesn't matter. they put it away until the next election. you -- what-sa come and-a go. what's the story in the movie? >> it's a top secret government program that allows a person to live the last eight minutes of another person's life. craig: is this real? >> it's not real. if you had eight minutes left in your life what would you go back and change? craig: go back and change? >> is there something that you would do in your life? geoff: sex party! >> did he say sex party? that's exactly what i would go back to. that's amazing. craig: you got eight minutes of your life to change? >> yeah. craig: you could change eight minutes --
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>> or you want to go back and relive something? is there anything? craig: that lasted eight minutes. >> maybe the segment. i don't know. [laughter] craig: i don't -- but i don't understand. do you live the last eight minutes of someone else's life. >> jake gyllenhaal he's imbodied the victim. so he's living his last eight minutes over and over again in order to find out who the bomber of the train is. craig: it's a mystery wrapped within an enigma. ah. yes. oh, i like this very much. >> does it all work out new the end? don't! it's a joke! don't tell me. well, we're kind of out of time. >> ok. craig: mouth organ, awkward pause? >> awkward pause? craig: really?
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[laughter] craig: that's not an awkward pause. that's a sexy pause. see, when you did that, that's a sexy pause. >> i'm a girl after all. craig: yes, you are. but you know, girls can be awkward. craig: what was that? uh, like that? >> just awkward. craig: that wasn't awkward. that was i just did something that was really good. that was like uh like that. a little more awkward. all right, then. ooh, i know. do you want to do a smell my
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finger awkward pause? that's the most awkward of all. >> ok. i'll do it. i'll do it. craig: don't lean in to smell my finger you have to -- >> ok. [laughter] craig: michelle monaghan, everybody! we used to bet who could get closest to the edge.
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♪ what did we learn on the show tonight craig ♪ [meow] [applause] geoff: balls. craig: all right. this is lesson one in the craig ferguson charm school. gentlemen, when watching a vulgar lounge entertainer sweat his way through a monologue, perhaps you might like to hide your scrotum.
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not that your scrotum isn't attractive, of course, it is. it's just that sometimes his material might not be very good and he may be aware of that. and he may be distracted by the sight of a lone testicle wandering -- wandering across the wrinkly prairie. [laughter] all i'm saying is, guys. good night, everybody. [cheers and applause]
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. all of a sudden i said, wow, there was a camera going on. >> everybody seen the traffic cameras that nailed speeders. tonight we reveal cameras that gave many tickets this we're. >


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